Looking back at my thoughts, desires and hopes for the last months I see one thing clearly: I don’t know what is best.
When we left Wisconsin, back in May, I had a clear expectation of what would be best for me and my family. I expected that we would have 3-4 weeks to get settled in and that I would have another great job by July 1st (some of you may remember the blog where I gave God until July 1). July came and went and August was here before I knew it. I had applied for many, many jobs.
There is one thing you need to know about this particular area of Tennessee: they did not get the memo about hard times and a recession. This area is experiencing unprecedented growth. As a result jobs are not hard to come by; however, I only got one call back. It was for a management position close to my home and I was informed that I was overqualified and would hate the job if they hired me!! Who says that?! My sincere prayer, and that of many dear friends, was for God to give me a good paying 40 hour a week job and I was perplexed at why God was refusing to listen.
Several friends, who have lived in the area for many years, assured me that getting no response at all was not normal for this job market. I felt as though God was deliberately ignoring me. I felt myself beginning to question God. I had questions that sounded very familiar (from the Old Testament), “God, have you brought me and my family to Tennessee, so that we can be destroyed?” It was at this point that I felt I needed to make a choice. I needed to choose to continue to trust God or to use my own power to make something happen. I am not going to lie to you, I struggled with this decision.
Jenny and I were talking about all of this on a Tuesday night in early August and it was that night that I resolved that no matter what happens, even if my family is destroyed and it appears that God has abandoned me, I will not deny him. I prayed that night and told God that my hopes, intentions and dreams of a job were obviously not what he intended and that I would no longer pursue them. Instead, I would focus on my family, after all, that is one of the main reasons we felt we were directed to move here. I also resolved to focus my energies on loving God (instead of questioning) and loving others. Finally, I asked him to show me some sign, the following day, that he was still with me. I can honestly say that I went to bed that night with a very real peace in my heart.
The next morning as the kids were getting ready for school I received a text from a very dear friend. He was encouraging me to keep doing what is in my heart and not to worry about provision. A short time later I received an email from another great friend encouraging me, with my own words from previous blog posts (when my faith was high), and pleading with me to continue to trust God. These were great, but honestly I was looking for God to have one of the many companies call me for an interview or something (I know, I said I gave that up, but I am still human!!). That evening I sat down with a man that had something to discuss with me that he felt was from God and would specifically bless my family. After discussing what he felt God had shown him, I took it home to Jenny. We discussed it and prayed about it and felt like it was the answer to our need. In hindsight, it was exactly what we needed and I can not express to you how glad I am that my prayers, for another good job, were not answered. I now have my financial burden taken from me and am blessed with all the time that I need to be with my family, love God and love my neighbor as myself.
God was not being harsh in ignoring my requests, he was simply saying “no, I have something better”. I am ashamed that I was on the verge of being angry at him for that. I know, as a parent, how sad I am when my children get angry with me for sincerely trying to make their life better and I am sorry that I was acting the same way towards my father.
I am sharing all of this with you for two reasons. 1.) I want a very real record of my struggles/fears and God’s guidance in my life. 2.) I want each of you to pursue God and his purpose for your lives. I am intentionally not sharing the details of God’s provision for my family, because it is his provision for my family. It is up to you to step out and trust him for your own life.
I want to encourage those of you whom God has ” let down”. Maybe it was a sickness that he did not heal, a job he did not supply, a loved one he did not protect. I want you to know that he is good and that he has your best interests in mind. Trust him, no matter what things around you appear to be, and you will find what people have found for generations. HE IS REAL!!
Now that God “hired” me, I am praying for direction on how to use my time. Jenny and I feel like we will both be volunteering at the children’s schools and are actively looking for opportunities to love others. Stay tuned!