Sunday March 1, 2015
The last few days have been particularly hard on Aaron. It was Isabella’s birthday and we had no money to be able to do anything for her. I broke our rule, of only asking God for what we need, and asked my mom if she could Paypal me some money to be able to do something for Bella. She did, because she’s a wonderful momma. The problem was that we didn’t have a Paypal card yet, so the money had to be transferred to our bank and the transfer to the bank takes 5-7 business days, which I did not know. So, even in breaking our rule, we didn’t have any way to do something fun for our baby. Isabella had received some birthday money in the mail and said she wanted to use that so we could go do something fun, which was super sweet, but also broke our hearts. Our poor baby was using her own birthday money so her parents could take her to do something for her birthday. If God was thinking we needed to be more broken and brought even lower he picked a good method.
Aaron finally heard back from the company he had sent his resume to last month. They want to meet with him on Monday. Aaron said he’s not going to go because it doesn’t feel right.
We’re not angry with God over our lack of direction right now, but I wouldn’t say we’re overly faith filled either. We know God is willing and able to supply everything we need, but we stand here waiting and nothing happens. It feels like we’ve been standing in a long line; we have no idea where the line is going or how long we’ll be standing in it, but we know it’s where we’re supposed to be. So, here we stand.
Tuesday March 3, 2015
Still waiting on God to provide the finances for our bills and necessities. We had planned on paying Isabella back as soon as the money from mom was deposited from Paypal into our bank, but we had to use it to put gas in the van and get groceries. Sigh. All of this brings up the question again, Were we really supposed to drop everything and completely trust God? Are we not doing it right? If not what does “doing it right” look like? What do we need to do differently? Even if we do go out to get jobs we’re still in the same boat for awhile because we’ll have to save enough to be able to rent again. There’s no quick fix. At this point it’s hard to hold onto his promises because nothing is happening. We are late again with our bills, we only have food because we go to the food pantry at church and we have no idea what we are supposed to be doing here. We did put a donate button on the blog because people had expressed a desire to help us financially and that is the easiest way.
Wednesday March 4, 2015
Isabella had a horrible fever last night. She never completely got over the sore throat she had in February, and her nose had really started running. She woke up in the middle of the night hallucinating about cows over the door, was talking incoherently and was hot everywhere on her body. She was still like that in the morning, so we took her to Mercy Clinic which helps people with little or no income get medical attention. Aaron had to hold her because she was shaking so bad she couldn’t stand. It was our first visit so I had a bunch of paper work I had to fill out. Then they told me it would be $20 for the visit. I had no idea we had to pay up front. My heart dropped to my feet. I told them I didn’t know we’d have to pay anything that day and that I didn’t have any money. They said, “None? No credit card or anything?” Nope, none. Then I started crying. I couldn’t help it. I was so overwhelmed with her being sick, from lack of sleep and from life in general. I tried to hold it in, but that makes it even worse because then your face contorts and you get the hiccups. The lady I had been talking to told me to have a seat again and she’d get her supervisor. I grabbed a pile of tissues and sat down next to Aaron and tried to stop blubbering. Poor Bella was so, so sick, she didn’t need to see her momma falling apart. The supervisor came out to the waiting room looked at Bella and said to me, “You stop crying, honey. We’re going to make sure your baby sees a doctor. It’s going to be OK.” I wanted to kiss her feet. A few minutes later we were in a room getting her vitals checked. She had a double ear infection and pneumonia. She was going to have to be on 2 different medications. There’s a pharmacy here that gives free antibiotics with a prescription, so we knew we’d be able to get the medication for her ear infection, but we didn’t know how much the medication for the pneumonia would be. I went to pick up both medications and was told the one was free and the other was $50. Once upon a time it would have been annoying to have to pay that much, but now it was like this huge chasm that I had no way to cross. I was so exhausted and soul weary and didn’t have the patience, or really even the faith, to pray and ask God for help. I called my momma again. And, again, we still have no card for our Paypal account so we have to wait for the money to transfer to our bank before we can get the medicine. At least the antibiotics for the ear infection can be started right away and she can start getting relief from that.
On top of all of that going on, Alex is in the production of Grease at his high school so we’ve been spending a lot of time there helping build the set and making costumes. After the trip to the hospital, picking Jack and Max up from school, and bringing them all back to our friend’s house, I headed over to the high school to help with last minute costume alterations and emergencies. The play was supposed to have been last weekend, but the ice storm had closed all school campuses down so it was rescheduled for this weekend. I came in the theater sat down and tried to compose myself before heading into the production madness. I was still not quite myself after the big “tadoo” with Isabella. A few minutes after I sat down a lady turned around, looked at me and said, “I found your blog today and read it. I didn’t think I could love your family more than I already do. But, I do. You guys are amazing.” The whole composure plan flew out the window. I have vague recollections of people mopping me off the floor after that. OK, it might not have been that dramatic. It might have only been me tearing up and saying thank you, but that’s only because I didn’t have any strength left in me to produce actual tears. That simple statement was a balm to my heart. In the middle of our crazy madness someone had found our blog, read it, found encouragement in it and was inspired by the faith she read about. Faith that we didn’t even think we had. She rescued my sanity that night and re-ignited my little flame of faith that I still possessed but couldn’t see.